


I Want You to Stay

by rickbisexualgrimes



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Cheating, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-10-27 20:18:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10815978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rickbisexualgrimes/pseuds/rickbisexualgrimes
Summary: "And there's nothing pretty or romantic about loving someone so much that it fucking aches inside you. That's when you know the whole relationship has been through the ringer, that the person you love may not be good for you or vice versa. You look at them and want to see nothing but butterflies, rainbows or whatever the fuck makes your heart tingle. Instead you see this constant storm that wipes you out, reels you back in again and repeats"





	1. Stay or Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> The Scientist-Coldplay
> 
> Ain't No Sunshine-Bill Withers
> 
> Your Love Is King- Sade

It's like trying to figure out what disables a bomb and you're slowly cutting the wires but you got no clue which one will disable it. And you're counting down the minutes, desperately trying to figure out whether you have to run like hell, die or continue trying. That's what Negans marriage to Rick feels like, it feels like it might explode at any minute unless he finds a way to disable this impending doom.

 

  
Which in this case doom would mean divorce.

 

 

  
Negan could try to act like they'd always been happy until one day he fucked it all up. But that wasn't the case by any means, in fact what happened had been a long time coming. And there's nothing pretty or romantic about loving someone so much that it fucking aches inside you. That's when you know the whole relationship has been through the ringer, that the person you love may not be good for you or vice versa. You look at them and want to see nothing but butterflies, rainbows or whatever the fuck makes your heart tingle. Instead you see this constant storm that wipes you out, reels you back in again and repeats. Negan hated going around in circles or going through the motions knowing he wasn't what made Rick smile anymore.

 

 

  
Every time they'd have sex it wasn't emotional like it was before, he felt desperate when he'd cling to his husband's body and not see a look of thrill on his face or even a genuine smile. And Negan wasn't some piece of shit who thought they owned their partner, if Rick didn't want to fuck he wouldn't push it. The problem was that Rick would say he wanted it but it would just be sex without any emotion. If anything it was lust or emptiness that filled the room and it felt impersonal. They had become two bodies who thumped together until the deed was done.

 

 

And Negan couldn't have it be like this anymore but he couldn't lose Rick because it would most certainly kill him. He didn't go through all that pain with Lucille's death only to end up finding love again and having it end tragically. It wasn't the reason why he wanted to keep their marriage alive but it was something he promised himself wouldn't happen again.

 

 

One thing he couldn't shake off was the affair that Rick ended up having with his best friend Shane. He of course had to find out the hard way which meant walking in on them one day.

 

 

  
Negan had come home from work early that day unfortunately only to find his husband balls deep in his best friend. And any other person would have reacted way worse than he did because all he did was walk out of the house. His step daughter Judith wasn't biologically Rick's either, the most fucked up part was that she was Shane's. But Lori's dying wish in the hospital before major complications with the birth was for Shane to be able to know the child.

 

 

 

He didn't exactly blame Rick for the affair, it still hurt him to think about but he didn't bring it up every damn day either. Now it was like skating on thin ice all the time, his heart felt so broken it was like shards of glass inside his chest. Because whenever Negan looked at the man he loved it wasn't remotely the same, it had become so heavy.

 

 

 

Yesterday Carl begged him to do something and at least try to fix their marriage. Which was funny coming from the same person who didn't want them together in the beginning. Now he wanted both his dads together not divorced. He gave a suggestion of bringing Rick somewhere that would remind him of when it was good between them. And that's exactly what he planned out. There was a cabin that he brought Rick to back when they weren't married, it had be spontaneous and it was where they told each other 'I love you' for the first time. Negan couldn't guarantee or even say it would be the thing to fix them but it was a start and would show he wants it to work. They would be gone for a couple days so Carl would be left to take care of Judith which didn't seem to be a problem.

 

 

 

He had his bags packed already with three changes of clothes, essential items, some bear spray (just in case) and he made sure to pack a decent amount of booze. Given the high chance he'd need a drink on this trip.

 

When Negan brought it up to Rick he could tell how not excited he was but still agreed too it. Quite literally the only response that came out of his mouth was "Fine, we can go." His husband's voice was just drained of any emotion and Negan had badly wanted to cancel right then and there. But he wasn't about to fuck up this small chance of beginning to fix things, to find the root of the fucking problem because he almost couldn't recall how they got there. Just to make sure Rick wouldn't be able to find an excuse to stay home he told him to go wait in the car. Negan made certain once more if Carl was okay with this and that his baseball bat was in the downstairs closet if he needed it. Which had the boy rolling his eyes and ensuring that he was an adult and could handle it. Carl all but pushed him out of the door so they could get going already.

 

 

  
"Holy shit, Rick. Would you stop changing the damn songs?" Negan tried not to yell because he didn't want to seem like a complete asshole.

 

 

"This is why I don't let you make the playlists, you put a bunch shit songs on em every time."

 

 

"Ooh wow was that supposed to hurt me." Negan fake gasped. "It's better than your shitty ass music that we have to listen to all. the god damn. time. "

 

 

Rick shot a glare his way that probably could have burnt a hole through him if he was superman or some shit. But since he was just simply Rick Grimes it would only be intimidating.

 

 

"Why'd I even agree to this?" He mumbled.

 

 

"Oh I don't know darlin' maybe it's because you wanna fix us as much as I do."

 

 

"Maybe we can't be fixed."

 

  
He was trying to figure out whether or not to voice that he was thinking about getting a divorce. Rick knew saying that right now would be harsh but he had been considering it. They weren't the same anymore, he still loved Negan but it takes more than love to keep a relationship going.

 

 

Their marriage wasn't always happy, not even in the beginning but he would have never considered divorce back then. But now it seemed like something that was a possibility in his eyes despite how much it did kill him to think about it.

 

 

Rick had almost wanted to say no to this trip entirely but getting away from the house would help him realize what he actually wanted. It was easier right now to just lean towards splitting but he had to consider both angles before his decision was made. Not even for both them but for the kids as well, Judith and Carl wanted their parents together. But those types of relationships always carry on to be so unhappy, so ugly. He didn't want to be the type of person who stuck with their partner all for the sake of the kids, which never usually helped kids in those situations anyway. And then there was the weak part of him that wanted to fix things without even remembering why they were broken in the first place. To just make Negan stop the car so they could embrace each other in a bliss soaked kiss followed by some car sex.

 

 

  
"Stop at the nearest gas station so I can use the rest room." Rick said.

 

 

"There's one coming up. I'll stop there."

 

 

Negan stopped the car near the side of the gas station and Rick got out quickly to rush inside. For once it wasn't some shitty bathroom that they had at the side of the building. He pulled out his phone while he paced inside the rest room and turned it back on. Rick only turned his phone off because he knew he would be getting texts from Shane. And he knew how that would have gone down in the car. He would have had to deal with Negan rolling his eyes, turning up the sound on the dash board and acting like an asshole. There was only one call from Shane but a couple of texts that were spread apart from the moment they left.

 

  
_Shane: hey rick, i miss u! btw could i swing by to see judy??_

_Shane: shit normally u would text me back by now._

_Shane: text back whenever today or even come by._

_Rick: Hey, sorry I can't talk for the next couple of days. I'm on vacation with Negan so I ain't gonna be able to use my phone since we won't have good cell signal._

_Shane: i thought u said it wasn't gonna work out ?_

_Rick: I know I said that but I have to try Shane. We discussed this._

_Shane: nah u don't have to do a damn thing but u will anyway. i'll talk to u whenever u get back from vacation with that asshole._

_Rick: Should be in a few days, talk to u then._

 

 

He put his phone back into jeans and pretended to flush a toilet just in case Negan was erratic enough to listen outside the door.  And much to his surprise he didn't see him when he left the rest room.  Rick got back into the car and saw Negan staring at him strangely, his hazel eyes weren't sparkling but almost darkened from agitation.  It seemed a bit obvious that he knew what he was actually doing in that rest room. For some reason his husband didn't seem to press it any further but got the car on the road again.

 

 

They were both sitting there quietly until a Coldplay song started to play that had the lyrics hitting a little to close to home.

 

 

_Come up to meet you_

_Tell you I'm sorry_

_You don't know how lovely you are_

_I had to find you_

_Tell you I need ya_

_Tell you I've set you apart_

_Tell me your secrets_

_And ask me your questions_

_Oh let's go back to the start._

 

 

Negan turned the song quickly because he couldn't deal with listening to the rest of it and was still trying to figure out why the fuck he put that song in the playlist in the first place. And suddenly they were having to listen to "Ain't No Sunshine" which wasn't any better in terms of upbeat but he kept it there anyways. He kept thinking about how it made him feel to hear the lyrics from the song before, how they resonated and how it was depicting a broken relationship that was possibly ending in someone leaving the other behind.

 

 

_Sound familiar?_

 

 

The rest of the drive only took another hour and a half then finally they were at the cabin. This wasn't the only idea Negan had in terms of where he'd bring Rick but the rest of the places were further. And he was doubtful they would have survived hours upon hours in a car together. Before they could literally go on long drives to the beach or even driving around town for no good reason. Not it was extremely awkward to sit there with Rick because he didn't want to talk.

 

 

They got out of the car after parking in front of the cabin and grabbed their bags from the back as well as the cooler that had their food. If they needed anything there was an office where the owner of the cabin would be over the next few days but he doubted they would need assistance. Negan stepped inside the once familiar space and noticed some of the decor was changed but for the most part it was very much the same. 

 

 

 

And that's exactly what he needed, familiarity.

 

 

"This place still looks pretty damn great if you ask me and we got a pretty good fucking deal for a  three day stay." Negan was trying to lighten the mood but knew he was failing hard at it. "Let's get settled in and figure out what we wanna do. There's a little boat we could go out on the lake."

 

 

"Or we could just sleep, I'm tired."

 

 

Negan furrowed his brows but breathed in so he wouldn't flip out. "We could do that if we wanna waste the money we paid to stay in this place, now can you maybe tone down the shitty attitude."

 

 

"Whatever." Rick said before disappearing into the bedroom with their bags.

 

 

If this trip was going to be anything it certainly wouldn't be Rick being a complete dick the entire fucking time because they were supposed to be working on their relationship, spending time together. And so far all Negan was noticing was how much Rick really didn't want to be there. Which he could have voiced before they even left the house since he would have gotten a refund.

 

 

So now Negan was stuck with his miserable ass husband, some booze and the wild.

 

 

He went into the bedroom to find Rick laying down there fiddling with his phone, probably to see if he could get a connection. And that was something he wouldn't be dealing with for the next few days either. Negan wasn't going to control what they did this whole time but he didn't want to watch Rick have secret conversations with Shane, because that's precisely what he would do.

 

 

Negan knew they may not be sleeping together at the moment but they were certainly having romantic/sexual conversations though. And the other night when Rick was asleep he noticed his phone lighting up for ten minutes straight. It was Shane ranting about something stupid and telling him he had to get to sleep. At first it looked fairly harmless until Shane said he would be dreaming about him alongside a 'wink face' emoji.

 

 

After some contemplating he decided to test something out and went to lay down beside Rick who moved further away. It made Negan roll his eyes immediately at how annoying Rick was being and how he was pathetic to need basic affection so badly. He sighed loudly and got up to make himself a drink because if he didn't drink anything right now he'd voice how fucked up this was.

 

 

 

There was a small selection but the only reason that was case was because Negan didn't grab anything special. All the booze he brought was from the house, a bottle of white wine, Jim Beam and Olmeca gold tequila. The tequila was likely the only thing that would put Negan in a better mood.

 

 

In fact he'd probably do something entirely stupid in attempts to make Rick or it would simply make him look stupid as fuck. He grabbed the shot glasses and poured the tequila into them and downed one after the other. The buzz was barely present since wasn't a light weight so he kept drinking until he could feel it. When Negan really felt the liquor coursing in his body he took his phone out to put on a song and stumbled upon one they danced to at their wedding. The memories of how peaceful they were that night started to crawl all over him. Negan felt like he was being wrapped up in memories then glided over towards the bedroom and turned the song on while moving slowly to it. He wasn't a shitty dancer (unlike Rick who barely moved rhythmically) and he was in the door way moving to the beat of the song.

 

 

  
Negan was mouthing the lyrics, _'Your love is king, crown you in my heart, your love is king you're the ruler of my heart,'_ right at him and noticed Rick's mouth was twitching. He knew he was about to make him laugh if he kept going so he carried on dancing.

 

 

 

Soon he was standing right near the edge of the bed with his husbands blue eyes twinkling and now he was laughing at him because he had gotten on the bed to dance. And for at least a couple of moments they weren't caught up in the the disintegration, it was just them and a song that once had them swooning. Then the song ended and he flopped onto the bed beside Rick who wasn't moving away. Negan wrapped his hand around his and now they were laying there in peace.

 

 

  
"Do you remember dancing to that at our wedding?" Negan found himself asking all of a sudden.

 

 

"Yes of course I remember that, Negan."

 

 

"Anytime I hear I always think of us, even lately I have listened to it in the car like some fucking sap."

 

 

Rick looked over, "Been a while since I let myself listen to it."

 

 

Just before Negan could move in any closer he felt Rick's hand pull away fast. Trying to figure out what the fuck Rick wanted was absolutely difficult and all these mixed signals were hard to deal with. For a split second he almost naively believed that some reminiscing and laughter would start to mend the broken pieces. Rick was sitting up and facing away and his curls were perfectly sitting there and Negan brushed his hand along them for a second.

 

 

"Let's go for a walk, bring the god damn booze. I know I need another drink or two or four at this rate." Negan got off the bed then headed towards the kitchen. He put his boots back on, his leather jacket, his red scarf and grabbed the bottle of tequila to bring along. It might not be the brightest idea to get drunk in the woods but that would most likely be the only way Rick would open up to him.

 

 

Negan stood there while Rick was grabbing his own shoes alongside his brown coat and they headed out together. The sky had gotten a lot darker than either of them realized, there were stars scattered in the sky,it was pretty chilly but they were both pretty warm with their jackets on. Negan gestured for them to walk along the road at first then led them down one of the closer trails. Since it was dark he turned on the "flashlight" button on his phone, because he couldn't see for shit and certainly didn't want them getting murdered by a machete wielding asshole.

 

 

He led them down to the lake thinking it would spark some memories for Rick given they had skinny dipped in it before. Instead Rick was just standing there staring at the dark colored lake, the moon was reflecting on the water and there were crickets chirping. He slumped down onto the hard ground beneath them to just take in the nature.

 

 

  
"We skinny dipped here? Remember?"

 

 

  
"I remember, it was cold as hell in that water."

 

 

  
"Fuck yeah it was, maybe we should relive those memories."

 

 

  
Rick shook his head and tried hiding the smile that was peaking on his face. "Negan.. we can't."

 

 

  
"Why the fuck not? Ain't like someones catch us, rock out with your co-"

 

 

  
"I get the point.." Rick laughed. "Fine.. I guess."

 

 

  
Negan started stripping down immediately, setting his leather jacket down nicely, tossing his boots to the side with the rest of his clothes and standing there with no boxers on. He wouldn't be opposed to fucking the hell out of Rick against one of the trees if he asked for it. Here they both were naked as all hell and ready to jump into the lake like some rebellious teenagers.

 

 

  
"On the count of two because people tend to back out at three... one....two.."

 

 

  
They both ran into the lake stark naked and Rick of course trips into the water which has Negan howling with laughter. Rick glared at him before he started laughing himself. It was one for the memory bank and since it was way too freezing cold both of them rushed out to grab their clothes. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to attempt to skinny dip but the fact Rick even agreed to it was a good sign. He felt his skin begin to tremble but got his clothes on as fast as possible, his shirt was sticking to his chest and his jeans were a bitch to get on.

 

 

  
"Good thing we got a fire place at the cabin." Rick mentioned.

 

 

  
"Shit I forgot about that, at least you remembered huh?"

 

 

  
"Yeah."

 

 

  
"Here take a swig of this." Negan suggested with a wiggle of his eyebrows. "It will warm you the fuck up."

 

 

  
"You know what tequila does to me."

 

 

  
Negan rolled his eyes,"Oh don't be a baby and drink it. It will loosen you the fuck up, god knows you need to."

 

 

"I'm fine." Rick took a long swig of the gold tequila, the warmth pooled from his throat to his stomach.

 

 

  
"Riiiight you're totally fucking fine, meanwhile you've been a dick so far."

 

 

  
"I'm only being a dick 'cause.." Rick went silent because he didn't want to finish his sentence since he knew where the conversation was going.

 

 

  
"Because why? If you say some stupid shit like you don't love me anymore then fuck you."

 

 

  
Rick ripped the cap for the bottle out of Negan's hands then started walking fast back to the cabin. He was started to feel agitated by that whole conversation and the last thing he wanted was to fight about shit that wasn't even true. What was he going to say? 'Oh I do love you but I don't know if this will work out.'

 

 

  
He practically jogged back to the cabin without any flash light and it seemed a lot faster since he had some liquor in his system. But Negan had caught up to him and was trailing behind him with an unimpressed look on his face. And then suddenly the door was slammed behind. He turned around to see Negan staring at him looking he could chew his head off which he didn't hesitate to moments after.

 

 

  
"You know what, Fuck you! Fuck you Rick for being a complete asshole towards me. Fuck you for being a goddamn fucking kill joy. And fuck you for not telling Shane off."

 

 

  
"What the fuck are you even talkin 'bout now?"

 

 

  
"Don't!" Negan yelled. "Don't you dare treat me like I'm some goddamn idiot. I say those texts he sent you the other night, the fucking wink face."

 

 

  
"You went through my phone?" Rick asked with his hands on his hips.

 

 

"No, I fucking saw the messages popping up on your screen. How am I not enough for you? What the fuck have I done?"

 

 

  
"I ain't having this conversation, I'm goin' to bed." Rick tried walking past Negan but he stood right in his way. "Move outta my name, Negan."

 

 

  
"No."

 

 

  
"Move!"

 

 

Negan got even closer towards him and they were against each other all of a sudden which had him catching his breath. Being this close to him again after not touching each other for a while hit him hard.

 

 

  
"Kiss me, Rick."

 

 

  
"I don't want to." He murmured in response.

 

 

  
"That's bullshit, you can barely look me in eye baby. C'mon it's been months, I miss those gorgeous fucking lips."

 

 

  
Rick was using all his will power to fight it so he didn't give in and mess his head up with a few kisses and possible sex. Because the moment he let himself fall into Negan without any resistance, he would be fucked. He stepped away and glanced at his lips one last time before he started to walk away towards the bedroom. His eyes were trying to fight the tears that were inevitably going to come because he did want to kiss him, feel those warm lips brushing against his, while Negan holds onto his hips for dear life.

 

 

 

But that couldn't and wouldn't happen tonight.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day came and Rick woke up to an empty bed and it didn't look like Negan slept there.

 

 

It was later in the day he went to use the bathroom and found Negan leaned against the tub with a bottle. It was clear that he ended up passing out in the bathroom and it was all gone so he would most likely be hungover.

 

 

  
Negan startled awake once he heard the tap running and saw Rick there brushing his teeth. Normally the first thing he wanted to see in the morning was Rick but not today. All he was feeling was a subtle head ache as well as this dull aching that came with anything involving his husband now. Not only have they once again pulled away from each other but Rick all but walked away from him. While it might not have been walking away in the sense of trying to end their relationship but he may as well have. They weren't even remotely on the same page and last night proved that completely.

 

 

Whatever the fuck Rick wanted it wasn't him seemingly.

 

 

  
He pushed himself off the floor pressing his fingers to his fore head, the head ache was fucking pulsing but his stomach didn't hurt at all thankfully. Negan took one look at Rick but just walked right past him, accidentally brushing his hands against his side. All that he wanted to just shrug off his shoulders today were flooding on in again. He was royally fucked in the way of not focusing on the shit that is their situation. All he had planned for today was lounging around maybe watching a movie on the DVD player that was set. They had brought at least one or two movies along just in case things got a bit hairy. And so Negans plan was to kick back and watch both with or without him.

 

 

  
But it didn't exactly go that way because Rick did in fact join him but didn't speak to him at all. The first movie they were watching was "You're Next" since Negan appreciated a good horror movie that had a level of humor in it.

 

 

  
"Listen, we should talk bout what happened.."

 

 

  
Negan shrugged, "It doesn't matter."

 

 

  
"Well now you're the one bein' difficult."

 

 

  
"Nope, just pulling a you.. maybe I'll start hitting someone up myself, maybe fuck them in our bed while I'm at it, would ya fucking like that? Huh Rick?"

 

 

  
Rick tried to say something but settled back into his seat on the couch since he wasn't going to win this argument. And it was still such a sensitive topic for both of them but especially Negan. For him to just out right start talking about it would be like shoving the sword a bit deeper inside.

 

 

  
After the first movie finished Negan went to grab himself one of the other bottles they had brought. So far he had drank most of the booze but he didn't give a fuck because this whole trip was turning out to be such a waste of time. They would have been better off fighting at home since that's mostly all they'd done so far. He opened the bottle and poured himself a drink then got started on dinner which wouldn't be anything extravagant. Since it wouldn't take long he started making the ground beef for the burritos, throwing some herbs and spices into it. And he could see from the corner of his eye that Rick was standing there watching him. Since Rick couldn't cook for shit he knew that it wasn't because he planned on helping him make dinner so he was curious about the reason.

 

 

  
"You need something, Rick?" He asked continuing to focus on getting the meat cooked.

 

 

  
"Well you already know I can't cook but please can we talk after this?"

 

 

  
Negan looked his husband head on and saw desperate blue eyes scanning his face, he felt his heart soften for a second then just nodded before getting back to his task. Dinner was finished pretty quickly, there wasn't much in the way of other things to put in the burritos but they had meat, cheese, green onion and sour cream. He wrapped his own up then flopped back onto the couch and began to devour his dinner. Negan didn't eat much yesterday because he got too distracted with making their time good that he forgot about himself. That had become something he did way too damn much with Rick, where he'd focus solely on him but disregard any basic self care. It was an unhealthy element about them that he wanted to work on so badly.

 

 

  
They both ate their burritos in silence until Rick was the one to begin conversation yet again.

 

 

 

"I've been thinkin' bout divorce.. I know you don't wanna hear that right now or at all but we ain't happy."

 

 

"So you're fucking solution is ending us?" Negan set his food down on the plate. "Are you fucking joking?"

 

 

 

"Can you just listen to me?"

 

 

  
"No, I really don't think I can. Heh you really got me wrapped around your little finger. I just let you treat me however you want and go months without any touch. Now you tell me 'Oh I've been thinkin' bout divorce.' " Negan said mocking his accent.

 

 

  
"By the way nice job bringing up Shane earlier, you just love that I was the one to fuck this up further don't you?"

 

 

  
"Well, Rick.. can't say I don't enjoy a change of pace. "

 

 

  
"You're a fuckin' asshole." Rick growled.

 

 

"Darlin' you knew that when you married me, this is far from news." Negan said.

 

  
He grabbed their plates angrily so he could clean them off and start washing them. Whenever they'd get into some fight Negan would find himself cleaning or using literally anything as a distraction. It was the only way he could avoid getting too angry over most likely nothing. In this case he had every right to be mad, here he was constantly exposing his god damn heart only for it to get stomped on by the one person he'd die for. Funny thing was the only thing that was currently killing him was Rick.

 

 

  
"I'm done. This - this is done." Rick yelled with tears dripping down his flushed face.

 

 

"Go ahead, leave."

 

 

  
Rick looked at him perplexed, "What?"

 

 

  
"You wanna fucking leave then just fucking do it already. Go be with Shane but you sure as shit ain't taking Judith."

 

 

  
"Excuse me?"

 

 

  
"She's my daughter too and if you're leaving me the kids are all I got left."

 

 

  
Rick stood there without moving a muscle at all and contemplated ending their conversation or even cutting the trip short altogether. But he couldn't do anything like he was frozen in that specific moment.

 

 

  
"Fuck you're my world." Negan started sobbing. "But all you do is push me and you. fucking. kill me. All I want is you but all you seem to want is anything but me so what the fuck else am I supposed to do? I've given you almost ten damn years of my life."

 

 

  
"Negan -"

 

 

  
"No! I'm done letting you interrupt me. That shit's over. If you wanna leave, decide now."

 

 

  
"You're giving me an ultimatum?" Ricks eyebrows furrowed in complete confusion at how ridiculous that sounded.

 

 

  
"Yeah.. I am."

 

 

Rick stepped towards his sobbing lover who was practically crumbling before him and reached out to touch the grey stubble on his face. Tears starting sprawling from his eyes as he clung to Negan. Then he began kissing him desperately, they were both breathing heavily into the kiss and ended up on the floor. In a confused haze Rick began unbuckling his belt while Negan was stripping his off quickly.

 

 

They started kissing again, grinding into each other relentlessly, everything was even more heightened after their conversation. Like they were raw, exposed, vulnerable to every single thing. He started biting at Negan's neck without drawing any blood, while his hand slid down to cup the other man's hard on. Both of them were moaning loud for each other and it had been a while since they fucked. After some aggressive stripping of the rest of their clothes Rick began kissing right down the other mans chest all the way down to his dick. He took it into his mouth licking the pre cum off the tip of it before taking his whole dick in his mouth. Rick bobbed his head up and down fast listening to Negan moan for him, gripping to his curls hard. He took his mouth off it with a pop and flicked his tongue up the hard length before it disappeared into his mouth again. After a few more minutes of deep throating he couldn't wait any longer to get Negan's dick inside him.

 

 

  
He positioned himself on top, allowing the length to slid into his slowly just to drive Negan crazy, Rick felt strong hands hold his hips steady. And then it was finally inside which him bouncing on it immediately, the pace was moderately slow at first before he went a bit harder. Rick was going up and down having his husbands dick hit his sweet spot practically every time he was down. Then he held still while Negan fucked up into him roughly without any chance of slowing down, his hazel eyes rolling to the back of his skull. It really had been a while for them both since they had any type of sex whether it was slow, fast or whatever. Rick was moaning so loud he could break glass but he didn't want it to stop at all. Any time they had sex before it was just as intense as this, with the pounding and the dirty talk sometimes he would even have his hands on Negans throat if he was feeling kinky. But usually he didn't take control so quickly.

 

 

  
"D-d-don't stop, keep fuckin' me." Rick moaned out.

 

 

 

Negan picked up the pace and asked Rick if he wanted cum inside of him. When he obliged to that, Negan growled before he shot his load into him. He rode out the pleasure until he couldn't stand it anymore.

 

 

As soon as Rick came onto the hard wood of the cabin he began laughing, hysterically. "This..this is hilarious. One minute you tell me to leave, next minute we're fuckin.' 

 

 

 

"Can't say it surprises me.. what with a lot of our fights before ending in rough fucking sex. Which is completely fine by me."

 

 

  
Rick rolled his eyes and located his boxers which were placed over to the side. After getting them back on he stood up finally gaining use of his legs post orgasm. "We still need to talk more, it can't - it can't just be us fuckin' to get rid of our problems. I do wanna work on things. We have to otherwise we won't make it."

 

 

  
"I know that, Rick.. trust me I do." Negan attempted to smile. "Do you feel shit for Shane still, did you ever?"

 

 

  
"That's some thing I need to figure out. I can't say no and I can't say yes. But I know that I love you still."

 

 

  
"We need more than that to survive, Rick." 

 

 

  
"Yeah, unfortunately we do. And I would never ever take Judith away for what it's worth." Rick slide his shirt back on and rubbed his eyes.

 

 

  
Negan looked at him with a stunned look on his face. "I know you wouldn't, I was just angry."

 

 

  
"We both were or still are."

 

 

  
Them having sex didn't change any of their problems or make their marriage stronger but being able to have intimate moments again felt wonderful to Negan. He had spent so many times just remembering when they were better, when he would be able to bring Rick in for a kiss before break fast or the way his eyes used to twinkle from him just pouring Judith some juice. All those little things added up for him over time then became the best parts of his days. Most of him believed they would get through this, come out the other side, find the light at the end of the very long tunnel but then a small percentage didn't. Negan shooed all the negative thoughts away from him and saw Rick looking at him.

 

 

  
"What's on your mind Blue Eyes?" Negan asked him.

 

 

  
"What do you want? Like what do you want me to do in general?"

 

 

  
Negan took a minute to think about that because there were so many things he wanted for their marriage, from better communication, less spitefulness, them being better together, but his thoughts kept going back to one specific thing. And he felt a smile peak onto his face.

 

 

  
"I want you to stay."


	2. Shattered [Prologue]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look back on moments that brought Rick and Negan to the point they are in present day.

_The affair had been going on for six months now and Rick wasn't very sorry about it. At least not outwardly or consciously. His marriage was very much on the rocks, basically in his hands whether or not he wanted to continue. Rick wasn't stupid enough to think Negan would agree to a divorce but still had been thinking about it. Sometimes even a couple times a day he would linger on the thought until the words were dangling on his tongue._

  
_When you reach that point in your relationship whether you're married or not it starts to eat away at the hope. Maybe he should let it die already rather than holding on. And this wasn't a situation where he no longer loved Negan because he did but somewhere along the way it stopped working. The spark they had when they first met or even during the first few years just didn't exist right now, felt like a dying fire._

  
_Rick was alone in the house for a couple more hours since Negan was at work, the kids weren't home because Carl decided to go for a drive with Judith. Normally he wouldn't risk inviting Shane over so late in the day but he was desperate._

  
_Rick: Hey wanna come over for a lil bit? Negan won't be back until a little bit later ;)_

  
_Shane: damn i'll be over in a jiff! didn't have work today so i'm free._

  
_Rick: Hurry up!!_

  
_Before Rick knew it his best friend was unblocking the front door with his emergency key and barrelling in like his life depended on it. They didn't waste time with talking or teasing they just got right to it. Rick was soon ripping off Shane's shirt revealing the hard abs underneath, his hand was running smooth over them. This was the difference between his body and Negan's. His husband was lean but not super muscular where as Shane had abs for days. He wouldn't be crippled with any reminders of who he's with in actuality._

  
_"I need you in that bed right the fuck now, so I'm resortin' to extreme methods." Shane huffed then lifted Rick up and somehow carried him upstairs._

  
_Rick was chuckling as soon as his body hit the burgundy sheets on his king size bed and then they were back to kissing again. He wrapped his legs around Shane's waist to pull him in closer. The first they had sex was similar to this but a bit more aggressive and needy on Ricks' end. At first he wasn't sure what was happening until his pants were off and a warm mouth was on his dick. Shane was great bed, no disappointment in that area at all. What was supposed to be a one time thing turned into almost a weekly thing depending on Negan's work days. And now he was once again cheating on his husband so naturally as if he was brushing his teeth._

  
_Warm lips were on his nipples, then his stomach, then his dick and soon his length disappeared into Shane's mouth. A moan came out of Rick and he bucked up desperately. He wanted to be fucked so hard that he forgot where he was and that's exactly what he could get from Shane. And by no means was he using him or just taking without giving, he had feelings for Shane but it wasn't that simple._

  
_"God, that feels so good." Rick moaned._

  
_Shane mumbled something over his dick, the vibration was making his toes curl now._

  
_"I'm gonna fuck you this time, I rarely get to top."_

  
_"Mmm." Shane stopped sucking for a second. "Gonna fuck me deep?"_

  
_"Once I grab the lube, turn around to find out." Rick growled before scooting up the bed towards his night stand._

  
_Rick popped the top of the lube bottle that hadn't been used in several months because that's how long it'd been since him and Negan had sex. The last time they fucked (it wasn't making love to him) was a month ago when they got drunk in a motel, it ended in them fighting anyways. Apparently he looked too disconnected and Negan started crying mid way causing them to stop. He was saying he couldn't fuck him like that because it looked like he was forcing him to have sex. And what was a semi decent evening turned into a gong show since Negan was too drunk in the first place._

  
_"Turn around." He smirked while coating his fingers with lube._

_Eagerly Shane obliged and turned around with his ass up, he looked like a perfectly sculpted person in every angle but his ass was damn near perfection. Rick started fingering the hole relentlessly, making best friend's legs shake with pleasure when he hit that sweet spot. His own dick was twitching like mad just wanting to be inside so badly. Once he realize the hole was loosened up enough he slid inside roughly._

  
_"Oh my god." Shane moaned into the sheets._

  
_"I want you to scream for me. Can you do that? Hm?" Rick slapped his ass hard._

  
_"Fuck yeah I-I can do that. Now fuck me."_

  
_Rick fucked him in deep strokes but nothing too aggressive to start off with because sometimes, like now, he wanted to lead up to that. This was just what he needed today._

* * *

 

_"Everyone's gone Negan, you should probably head on home, be with your husband and kids." The principal said softly._

  
_"I really gotta get this whole team fucking organized, plus there's the fundraiser coming up that I'm practically organizing alone." Negan sighed with a hand over his face._

  
_"You don't need to work yourself to death. This will all be here tomorrow and no pressure on the fundraiser."_

  
_"Thanks Ezekiel."_

  
_"Anytime,Negan."_

  
_Negan was staying late to avoid going home to a husband who was emotionally stoic towards him, but he never spoke about his personal life all that deeply. More specifically he didn't talk about his marriage with very many people outside of Beth. She was a lot younger than him but she was his best friend. And she never sugar coated things either which is what he needed from people he was close to. He shot Beth a text saying that he felt shit._

  
_Bethy: Did u and Rick have another fight again?_

  
_Negan: No but we probably will when I get home, fuck i know he doesn't want me around but he could at least be fucking nicer._

  
_Bethy: I know it hurts, believe me but just try to get thru the rest of the day.  Now drive home u goof, I know ur just sittin there in the parking lot. Text me once u get a chance._

  
_Negan: What would I do without u? Seriously._

  
_Bethy: Probably go insane and die an emotionally messed up old man._

  
_Negan: Probably lmao._

_Once he was coming up to his house he saw Shane's car in the drive way and groaned out loud. For fuck sakes he just wanted a pleasant evening, instead he'd have to deal with the eye fucking to didn't involve him. Negan couldn't believe that anything was actually going on but it felt fishy. And to become that piece of shit who ends up being cheated on wasn't what he aimed for. Negan got out of his car to brace the inevitable and the TV had been left on at a high volume. Something about the whole thing felt off and calling out for Rick was pointless._

  
_He couldn't see Shane or Rick in the direct vicinity which made his heart race so fast it could leap out of his chest. Trying to shake off the idea of anything happening wasn't working. Once he reached the bedroom door he could hear noises and then someone trying to shush another person._

  
_Negan didn't waste his time being silent about his next move and swung the door open to find Rick fucking Shane into the mattress._

  
_"Oh shit." Shane mumbled still face down in the mattress._

  
_"Fuck this, I need to leave right now." Negan turned the other way, slamming the door shut and quickly texted Beth saying he was coming over right now._

  
_Beth: What happened???_

  
_Negan: I'll tell you once I get to your place, break out the booze._

  
_Beth: I will. Please don't do somethin stupid._

_Right now Negan wanted to do a whole lot of stupid things like beat the holy hell out of Shane, who was a police officer. But instead he just got in his car quickly and left to go to Beths. What the fuck else was he supposed to do or say in that moment? Rick wasn't even pleading his case or even doing anything. He didn't run after him, text him to come back or whatever, it's like that wasn't a big deal. Now everything was making more sense now, how could he have been so stupid to think it wasn't happening._

  
_His heart was broken right the fuck in half and he thought shit sucked before. No, shit really sucks now._

  
_The drive over to Beth's was completely chaotic because he was sobbing, smoking a cigarette and speeding all the way there. Definitely not his finest moment but who would react normally to something like that. Whether its in the moment or otherwise. He stopped the car , unbuckled and stepped out._

  
_Beth was standing there concerned, "You have to tell me what happened, none of that bullshit where you grunt as responses._

  
_"Rick cheated on me... he's been fucking Shane."_

  
_Her mouth was wide open and she looked down at the ground. The look on Beth's face once she looked up was agitation like she could beat the fuck out of someone. And probably would. They got inside which is where Negan practically collapsed onto the couch in tears. This felt like one of those romantic comedies where someone gets cheated on and they sob into a tub of Ben and Jerry's. Only in Negans case he was drowning his sorrow with a bottle of whiskey._

_"Did you walk in on him? Or see texts Or what?" She asked while rubbing his back._

_"I got home, walked upstairs and found him nailing Shane in our goddamn bed."_

_Beth poured them both a shot and they took it at the same time._

_"What an asshole, I probably shouldn't tell Glenn or Maggie 'bout this.. I'm tempted just so Maggie can yell at him."_

_Negan chuckled because that's exactly how he knew it would go, if he blabbed his mouth to everyone in the family Rick would have a swarm of people asking for explanation. The only person who would know right now was Beth._

_"I don't even fucking know anymore." Negan took his second shot. "This marriage is doomed."_

_"Don't say that."_

_"You know it's fucking true Bethy, maybe this is our Swan Song."_

_"Was that a nod to Swan Song by Led Zeppelin?"_

_"Maybe." Negan smirked and rubbed his stubble._

_"You're such a damn loser, but I love ya anyway. You can sleep in my bed like always since I don't want you out on this couch it ain't comfortable."_

_Negan knew people thought their relationship was strange given their age difference and how it looked for him to be sleeping in her bed. But Beth was in her late 20's and there was literally nothing sexual about their relationship. He never even thought of her that way and they literally slept on opposite sides with their backs turned. They sat in her rather large bed and watched episodes of Grey's Anatomy like they always did. She passed him the bottle off she took a swig and they kept that rotation until the bottle was gone. He kept checking for a text from Rick but there was literally nothing. An hour later he was getting a call from him and wanted to ignore it but Beth wouldn't allow it._

_"What the fuck do you want?" Negan spat._

_Rick sighed on the other end, "Where are you? Judith's worried and sad you didn't get to read her a bed time story."_

_"Oh I'm sorry I didn't want to stick around for your little show with Officer Douche Bag. You're pretty fucking stupid if you think I would."_

_"Don't talk to me like that."_

_"Fuck you." Negan sneered. "By the way I'm at Beth's and we're drunk so I can't come home. Nor do I fucking want to."_

_Rick was breathing heavily through the phone but wasn't hanging up still. "Look, I don't wanna explain to Judith in the mornin' or Carl for that matter.. he's got enough stress with college.."_

  
_"So you're gonna blame me for you cheating on me? Are you fucking serious right now?"_

  
_"Just be ready when I pick you up." Rick hung up the phone right after that._

  
_Negan rolled his eyes at how fucking stupid it looked that he was being told what to do, since when was that apart of their relationship? That was some domineering type shit that he wasn't down for. But Rick was probably on his way so he couldn't call back and change anything now. Beth comforted him telling him not to lose it too much but also not to let Rick make excuses._

* * *

 

 

_Entering the car of someone who just cheated on you a couple hours ago was vomit worthy because all the hurt was bubbling to the surface. Rick kept his eyes on the road and didn't even spare a glance. His face wasn't saying much other than he was caught red handed and was going to hear it when they got home._

_Negan wasn't going to wait until then though because there was no escaping the conversation. "You're a real piece of fucking work do you know that? I mean cheating on me is one thing but tryna get a quickie in before I get home? Priceless."_

 

_"Do you even care or am I just filling space?" Negan continued. "Answer me."_

_"No, but does this seem like a good marriage to you? Are we good for each other anymore?" Rick still kept his eyes on the road but was choking back a dry sob._

_"We're good for each other, I still fucking love you.."_

That wasn't going to be enough and it never would be.

_"I can't keep doin' this.. this is just.. maybe we should discuss gettin a di -"_

 

_Negan slammed his hand so hard on the dash board that he startled Rick but he was able to gain h_ _is composure again. "Baby I'm sorry I didn't mean to fucking startle you."_

 

_Their car ride was melancholic in tone but completely silent otherwise and Negan didn't know what else would be said when they got in the door. Rick pulled into the drive way and got out then Negan followed suit._

 

_"You didn't mean it when you said that maybe we should discuss separation.. I know you didn't fucking mean that.. it's been a long day." Negan was stumbling all over the place with his words._

  
_"It wasn't separation that I said specifically, you know that I was gonna say divorce." Rick said flatly._

 

_"Fuck. that. If you hand me divorce papers I won't fucking sign them. When I married you this was it for me!" Negan held his arms out. "But here you go sleeping with that asshole, who fucked Lori and did exactly what you're doing to me to you."_

 

_Ricks eye brows furrowed at the mention of Lori, "Why would you bring that up?"_

 

_"Why not? You've taken a hammer to my heart."_

 

_"So your solution is hurtin' me back? I don't know why I'm shocked you're fucking immature.. always have been."_

 

_"Real low blow, Rick. What else you got in your sleeve?" Negan taunted._

 

_"You're lucky I even still love you, that I got any love left for you, that I've stayed in this miserable marriage at all. I've almost got nothing left to give.. you pretty much sucked me dry and not in a good way."_

 

_Negan felt time slowing down from the pain that was rattling through him, he was shuffling between their best memories. Like when they first kissed outside of a bar the second time they ran into each other. How alive he felt when he felt those pink pouty lips embracing him so tenderly. And then he was brought back to the present somehow._

 

_"You shouldn't say things you can't fucking take back."_

 

_"I mean it! The way we met maybe we shoulda known that this was ... this was just probably not meant to be." Rick closed his eyes to center himself. "We might need to take a break.. I need a break."_

 

_"I can't look at you right now , I need to get to bed. I'm fucking over this conversation." Negan exclaimed before he left the room._

* * *

_A month went by and unless it was important they didn't talk at all, when they went to bed it was silent aside from whatever was playing on their TV._

 

_Negan was exhausted by the audacity Rick had to be angry at him for having a normal reaction to an affair. How everything he tried saying previously had been cast aside or denied as valid. Living in a marriage like this was most certainly toxic but he couldn't give up on them. He was still trying to figure out why their marriage became like this. They were so happy at one point but it almost always goes like this, for any relationship. At first you think it's going to be so beautiful from then on out. But no, his husband was just tolerating his existence. He was probably still cheating on him, it was doubtful Rick had gone a month without seeing Shane._

 

_Tonight was just like the rest had been but only this time Negan was craving the other man so deeply. There was a likelyhood that he'd get rejected but trying was the only way he'd know. Rick was sitting on his side of the bed watching a movie called 'Blue Valentine' on their TV and the fucked up part about that was how relatable it was. From the broken marriage to the interactions._

 

 _Negan put his hand on his husbands thigh'_ _s and started moving them up but Rick wasn't stopping him. In fact it looked like he was getting comfortable with the intimacy. Until he turned his face over to stare at Negan, with his blue eyes practically drooping._

 

_"This won't fix things.. if I let this happen.. it won't fix things."_

 

_"I know but please just let me. Do you consent?"_

 

_"What?" Ricks eyebrows furrowed._

 

_"I won't fucking touch you unless you say you're okay with it."_

 

_"I'm okay with it."_

 

_Negan nodded and continued to work his hand up his husband's thigh and let a moan slip. There wasn't much response from Rick besides a small moan but he worried it wasn't because it was him. He tried kissing him but it felt so desperate, needy, like he was taking whatever he could get._

 

_"Fuck I can't do this.. you don't want me.." Negan started sobbing. "I need to take a shower.. I'll be back. "_

 

_Shutting the door quietly he leaned his head back against their bathroom door to keep himself steady._

 

_He felt tired feeling unwanted, discarded and just angry all the goddamn time. Trying to live like this took all the energy out of him, trying to love someone who would probably walk away was killing him. And after losing Lucille this is what he was in for? More misery and pain after finally getting something good._

 

_Negan got into the shower and tried to wash the sadness of that whole moment away._


	3. We Lost It Along the Way

A roller coaster.

 

That's the best way to describe how things had been since the cabin vacation. Negan wasn't an overly optimistic person to start but after they both decided to work on their marriage he thought it would.. get better. Trying to do it on your own wasn't always possible or remotely easy on either parties. So Negan came to the conclusion that they should go into couples therapy. There were a few good therapists in the area but Gabriel Stokes was highly recommended.

 

  
It was their first appointment today and Negan had to all but push Rick out of bed to get him up. He was assuring his husband that this would be a good step in the right direction. Even though the younger man agreed it didn't sound convincing like he was just saying it for Negans benefit. And that was something he'd bring up in therapy.

 

 

  
They ate their breakfast in silence, dropped Judith off at Beth's in silence, and then headed off to their appointment together without saying so much as a word. As they sat in the lobby Negan kept glancing over towards Rick who was playing a game on his phone. He wanted to fucking rip the phone out of his hand but that would likely cause him to leave and not to go. So he relented.

 

 

  
Suddenly a man with glowing brown skin and a bald head came out of the nearby offices bearing a smile. "Hello. You must be Rick and Negan Grimes correct? I'm Gabriel."

 

 

  
"Yes we are." Negan smiled back.

 

 

  
"Right this way into my office. Hope I didn't keep you waiting too long."

 

 

  
"No we were a bit early."

 

 

  
Negan sat down on the beige couch in the large office that had blinds covering the windows and there were a couple of plants situated in the room as well. He took in the atmosphere and found Gabriel examining them both.

 

 

  
"I understand this might be a new experience but first I need to ask. Why are you both here today? Everyone who comes through my doors has different reasons for needing therapy, so whats yours?"

 

 

  
Rick coughed and spoke up finally, "We're here to .. try to fix our marriage."

 

 

  
"You sound distressed." Gabriel was seated in a black leather chair with a note pad and a professional looking pen.

 

 

  
"I am 'cause we might not be able to fix us."

 

 

  
"Here you again with the giving up." Negan scoffed loudly. "You had your chance to leave, to walk out on me and you chose not to so what the fuck do you want?"

 

 

  
"That's why I'm even here at all.. to figure it out."

 

 

  
"While your thoughts deserve to be heard right now Negan, I think it's time to let Rick take the floor to see where his head is at." Gabriel turned his attention to Rick. "What bothers you the most about your marriage?"

 

 

  
Rick swallowed back his nervousness and started twiddling his thumbs. "When he um, tries to tell me what I do or don't feel. Every time we have a conversation or even an argument it turns into him tryin' to tell me what I feel.."

 

 

Their marriage wasn't perfect or even close to being in a good place but Negan kept wondering when he ever silenced Rick or told him how to feel.

 

 

  
"How does that make you feel when he does that? What's your first emotion or thought even?" Gabriel asked calmly.

 

 

  
"Frustrated." Rick responded. "It makes me feel frustrated."

 

 

  
"This is a good start, now I'll let Negan have his turn to speak. Try using "I" statements with whatever you need to say. Does that hurt you to hear what Rick just said?"

 

 

  
"Yes it fucking hurts but I guess he's being honest so I can't get mad about that shit."

 

 

  
Gabriel nodded once, "Fair enough. What do you need from Rick right now? Even in this general moment or your marriage."

 

 

  
"I need him to want him just as much as I want him 'cause I don't believe he does. He looks at me like he wishes I was Shane.. or someone else for that matter." Negan said.

 

 

  
"Who's Shane?"

 

 

  
Negan rolled his eyes because he truly didn't want to have this discussion their first session. But it seemed to be necessary anyways and it might help break a piece of the wall thats dividing them.

 

 

  
"He's Rick's best friend and the man that he cheated on me with." Negan responded with a bitter tone.

 

 

  
And there it was, the main problem they had, the affair. Even if Rick wanted to he couldn't just cut Shane off because he was Judith's biological dad. Not only that but it was Lori's dying wish that he be allowed into her life.

 

 

  
"Rick, do you want to comment on that or can Negan continue?"

 

 

  
He shook his head at Gabriel's question because saying 'no' would mean he was trying to avoid the conversation. Which as much as he wanted that he couldn't interrupt now.

 

 

  
"For the longest time I suspected something but I was never sure." Negan stared at his fingers and wasn't behaving like he always did. "Then when I walked in on them fucking I was definitely right."

 

 

  
"And I'm sorry for that.. sorry you had to find out that way." Rick mumbled.

 

 

  
"You sorry that I caught you or that you were and probably still are fucking cheating on me?"

 

 

  
Negan wasn't going to hold back his feelings just to baby Rick or even be nice because why should he? If he had been the one to cheat then Rick would have kicked him out already. Instead here Negan was trying to fight for a marriage that he always bled for the most. There wasn't any middle ground or attempts that seemed genuine until now. After that time at the cabin they went right back to how it was before. Only then at least they were being honest about that. Negan felt Rick slipping away from him everyday, how he was barely there and he'd come to realize that he can't love a ghost forever.

 

 

  
Some progress had been for the last half of their session, at least for Negan there was some progress. He couldn't speak for Rick and wasn't about to make assumptions on what he felt or didn't feel. But for himself there was a bit of a wall crashing down and it didn't feel that great but still progress nonetheless.

 

* * *

 

 

"It wasn't me tryin' to hurt you.. it was about me for once. No it wasn't okay that I began the affair in the first place but I started to lose what brought us together in the first place." Rick said.

 

 

So far their second session was starting off pretty heavy but it needed to be talked about so Negan had no problem diving right into the hows and whys.

 

 

"So you cheated on me 'cause you stopped loving or stopped remembering why you love me?" Negan gestured for Rick to answer and kept seeing the confusion in his husbands own eyes.

 

 

Rick took a breath and looked at him straight on. "I guess I stopped remembering why we got together, why we got married so fast, my marriage to Lori was the same.. but the only difference is we dated young and got married young."

 

 

"You're comparing our marital problems to your last marriage?"

 

 

"Look at how we're mirroring my exact same situation, how I've hurt you how I've been hurt. Ain't that a bit suspect? Don't you wonder if we've been ... "

 

 

"Been what?!" Negan snapped almost immediately. "Been living a goddamn lie? Tell me this Rick do you love me or do you love that I love you so fucking much? To be honest I can't tell right now."

 

 

Gabriel was staring at them in awe of how deep they were digging but also at the nature of the conversation. Thankfully they weren't having a screaming match because that'd be just embarrassing.

 

 

"You make me feel like shit.. like I'm the most terrible and selfish person on this planet. I do love you but I've said it time and time again.. love can't always save the day."

 

 

"Oh I'm sorry for making you feel like shit 'cause you railed your best friend in our bedroom. I'm so fucking sorry." Negan responded with a look of disgust on his face.

 

 

"That wasn't what I meant and you know it wasn't." Rick was beginning to feel that may not have been the wisest thing to say or bring up given the predicament. Though if he hadn't said it in therapy, then it would have came out eventually.

 

 

"What I meant was whenever I hurt you it's just -" Rick tried to explain but Negan was putting on his leather jacket to leave.

 

 

"Negan, the session's not over yet. You still have a - "

 

 

"No, it feels pretty damn over to me." Negan stormed out of the room leaving the door open without a damn care in the world.

 

* * *

 

 

Negan could tell the kids were tired of playing dodgeball but lately he didn't give a fuck about coming up with anything new. All he was focused on was his own problems which wasn't at all professional, but who the fuck cares right?

 

 

"Hustle!!!" He yelled from the side lines. "Remember don't just stand in one damn place, keep it moving."

 

 

Beth nudged his shoulder, "Hey, don't be an asshole to the kids."

 

 

"These little shits don't care." Negan said.

 

 

"C'mon you know they care if you're an ass to them, we need to come up with somethin' new for tomorrow 'cause this ain't gonna cut it."

 

 

"What do you have in mind?" Negan asked with one eye brow raised. "Tick tack toe?"

 

 

They both started laughing and she fake punched his arm for the comment. "Fuck you, no I got some ideas. Do you still need me for practice later?"

 

 

"Of course I need you, what type of question is that Bethy?"

 

 

Beth smiled and tied her hair up again, "At least someone needs me."

 

 

"Don't say shit like that, plenty of people besides me need you. I know you're still hung up on Daryl."

 

 

"Please don't even speak his name." Beth groaned. "I'm happy for him and Jesus, our relationship wasn't meant to be is all. It's just the way he broke it off was shit."

 

 

Negan gave her a look, "Well it's Daryl Dixon, the man ain't exactly good with words."

 

 

"Touché. But enough about me... how was your last therapy session?"

 

 

Any mention of therapy would get Negan in a bad mood but Beth wasn't just anybody so he had to answer to that. But he had to keep the explicit language to a minimum because truth be told he felt like his fucking heart was being smashed in with a baseball bat.

 

 

"It wasn't good.. I walked out of the room actually. We said some shit that can't be taken back."

* * *

 

Neither of them realized when they stood up to speak to each other from across the room but they were. And Negan felt as if he was the only one giving everything while Rick only gave pieces. That wasn't how a relationship worked but somehow that was lost to the younger man.

 

 

"All I do is give my fucking all to you but what do you do? What do you give me?" Negan asked loudly.

 

 

"What do I give?" Rick scoffed. "I've stayed with you.. I've given the past seven years of my life to you."

 

 

Negan fake smiled to put the emphasis on what he was about to say next. "Am I supposed to give you a gold star for not leaving me? What the fuck?"

 

 

Gabriel had been writing here and there this session but also listening and giving them both the go ahead to continue. But now he was finally stopping them because it was just going around and around.

 

 

"I'll be honest with you both, we're not exactly getting anywhere right now. We've pretty much circled right back to the beginning. Maybe it's time to hit the reset button, start fresh."

 

 

"Okay let's reset if that's what will help. But um if I may ask how will we do that?" Rick said.

 

 

"Have you considered spending time away from each other? Any allotted amount of time let's say. Because breaks can actually be helpful in repairing a broken relationship." Gabriel asked with a neutral look on his face.

 

 

"You mean separating? So he can go fuck Shane whenever he pleases. No, we're trying to make this work.. I don't want our marriage to be destroyed any further."

 

 

"Let him finish."

 

 

"It wouldn't be a separation, it would be a break. Maybe it would help discover who you are now versus who you were before the affair, before the break down of your marriage." Gabriel still remained ever so calm.

 

 

Negan wasn't able to see this in a positive light because it seemed more like a stepping stone towards what he didn't want for them. "Whatever you want to call it, that's the same damn thing. We all know it's the first step to divorce."

 

 

"Can you just listen for once?" Rick pleaded. "You never let anyone finish their sentence."

 

 

  
"In all my experience with several different relationships whether the couples are married or not, it's always either one of two things. Either one person wants to exit the relationship and move on but can't find a way to say that. Then option two is they both to make it work desperately. "

 

 

"We wanna make it work right?" Negan looked over at his husband hopeful that it wasn't the first option.

 

 

"Right, we do." Rick responded.

 

 

"A break is not an end, I need to clarify that again." Gabriel shifted in his seat a little. "A break is a tool to help make it work for an agreed upon time. And then once the break is over we evaluate what both of you discovered."

 

 

"I'm fucking sorry if I sound rude but a break isn't what we need.. we need to come together.. we need to get back on track. We need more time together, not apart, you make things work like that. Right baby?" Negan stared at his husband who wouldn't even look him in the eye.

 

 

Rick shook his head a couple times, "I think we need to take a break. How long will the break last by the way?"

 

 

"However long you both would like it to, we could decide that right now."

 

 

"Okay how about a month?" Rick suggested casually.

 

 

"A fucking month? You don't wanna talk to me for a damn month?"

 

 

Gabriel looked at them both and gestured for Rick to continue saying what he wanted to.

 

 

"Honestly no, if you weren't so angry I'd suggest more than a month.. maybe even six months at the most."

 

 

"Fuck. I can't believe you." Negan scoffed.

 

 

"Don't give me that, I want to fix us but this is the only solution we got left unless you want this to be over."

 

 

"Fine whatever. Okay so we've decided on a month. How will that work?" Negan was holding onto one of the pillows on the couch for comfort.

 

 

Gabriel nodded, "Since you have children together this break can't be you living in different houses 'cause that might create alarm. You two will live in the house and be parents but have separate lives, sleep in separate rooms, boundaries are very important in this time, try to stick to a schedule. Only speak to each other if it's an emergency. And lastly no sex or intimacy of any kind with one another."

 

 

"We can do that." Negan smiled weakily even though he knew damn well this was going to kill him on the inside. They already were barely speaking as it is now they couldn't talk at all, couldn't even touch each other. He didn't know what was going to happen on this so called break but he hated it already.

 

 

* * *

 

  
Waking up in the morning in a different room was lonely and not even for obvious reasons. Negan was so used to waking up to Rick's warmth. Even though he radiated coldness towards him. It was day one of their break and he didn't want to go without talking to his husband. He would probably be the first to crack because Rick wasn't easily swayed in general, unless of course it involved fucking someone else. Which was a low blow that he wouldn't dare mention out loud.

 

 

After taking a long shower to clear his mind he got dressed to head to work and headed downstairs to eat something. He found Rick standing there putting jam on his toast, his cologne was lingering in the air.

 

 

"Judys ready for school, she said you fed her already." Negan leaned back and forth on his heels.

 

 

Rick didn't respond.

 

 

"Baby, I missed you all night. You know I got myself thinking of those pretty lips and I just wanted to walk into our room and kiss you."

 

 

He was waiting for a response from Rick but all he got was nothing.

 

 

"You know we don't need this shit right? We can start fresh some other way, hell I'll even reintroduce myself to you if that's what it takes. " Negan bit back his tears. "Just talk to me okay?"

 

 

Rick looked up from his plate of food for a second and his breath hitched though he still didn't talk and went to sit at their kitchen table.

 

 

  
"I think it's complete bullshit that we even agreed to this? How am I supposed to not speak to you for an entire month. Even Carl thinks it's stupid. Now if that kid tells you something, you listen. " Negan laughed a little but still wasn't getting anything.

 

 

Rick was trying his damn hardest to not even look at the older man or even glance his way because then he'd start talking to him. And they couldn't do that. In fact he had to see Shane to speak to him about this but wasn't going to tell Negan. Which was him being secretive again though he couldn't just pretend nothing was wrong.

 

 

This was going to be harder than he thought.

 


	4. We Used to Have It All

Day two wasn't any worse than the first but Rick was feeling all the guilt he'd been stiffling for so long. Why did he let himself become this person? Him and Shane could have stopped themselves from going to far but they funneled their grief into each other. Now he was having to stop this, stop the pain from spreading. He ended up going to see Shane to tell him about how he really needed to fix his marriage with Negan. That they couldn't sleep together anymore. And him being Shane had a pissy reaction but came to a level of acceptance.

 

  
Day three had been the easiest so far because Negan wasn't pressing to speak to him. And therefore it made it less difficult to not want to respond back. They were sitting in separate areas of the house to eat, normally Carl didn't sit down at the table and took his plate to his room. But this time he was sitting with Rick, talking to him about his classes. How he at first thought it was crazy to shoot for two different degrees but was actually learning so much.

 

  
"Remember how I was on my first day, you had to almost drag me out of the house to - " Carl saw that Rick wasn't paying attention. "Are you listening?"

 

"Oh, yeah I'm listenin'.." Rick gave him a reassuring smile that faded.

 

"I know you're having problems with dad but how come you won't tell me why?"

 

"You don't need the stress Carl, leave it alone."

 

Carl put down his fork to show he wasn't interested in eating, "That's just bullshit."

 

"Please.."

 

"Please what?" Carl asked. "Not ask you why you two have to go on a break in the first place? I was the one who pushed him to take you to the cabin, thought my parents could you know work it out.. instead you're worse than before. He never did explain what was wrong."

 

Having this conversation would likely cause an even further rift in this house and Rick didn't want that. Thankfully Judith was eating with Negan and watching a movie.

 

 

"It's complicated.. I did somethin' I shouldn't have." Rick took a sip of his beer.

 

"Just tell me."

 

  
"I cheated on him."

 

 

The cat's really out of the bag now.

 

 

"With who...?" Carl stared at him and then had this look on his face like the pieces were coming together. "It was Shane wasn't it? Sometimes I saw the way you looked at him."

 

 

"Yes." Rick's voice cracked.

 

 

"So you cheated on dad like mom cheated on you? With the same person? What the fuck dad? And don't tell me not to swear either."

 

 

Rick deserved to be yelled at like a child being scolded for biting one of their classmates. "And I know that I shouldn't have done it but we were havin' so many problems.."

 

"So your first instinct is to go sleep with the person mom had cheated on you with?" Carl growled.

 

 

"Please just.. please don't hate me for this." Rick started sobbing into his hands, the tears were wetting his palms, dripping down his arm suddenly.

 

 

Carl grabbed his plate and set it on the kitchen counter before storming out of the room.

 

* * *

 

  
It was day ten and since they couldn't speak they each had appointments with Gabriel separately.

 

 

Negan told the kids to head on home because practice was finally over and Beth made sure everyone had rides. She touched Negan's shoulder to get his attention and he smiled at her.

 

 

"Are you okay right now?" She asked.

 

 

"I guess I am."

 

 

"Wanna go get a drink? It's 'Whiskey Wednesday' at Grady's, we ain't done that in a while." Beth smirked.

 

 

Negan started laughing, "Sure, why the fuck not?"

 

 

  
They drove in their cars over to the closet bar they could find that was definitely a bar full of red necks. So it was a good thing Negan was with her because the assholes in there didn't look inviting. He knew she could take care of herself but still was protective anyways.

 

 

He ordered them both two shots of whiskey to get started and they slammed one back together. Negan could feel the warmth in his stomach and relaxed. He looked over at Beth who was a bit giggly already but she was a light weight so it was expected.

 

 

"This in home separation is killing me, but its more of what was going on before anyways. We didn't have sex for a long time until the cabin so.." Negan took his second shot. "Not like this is any different."

 

 

Beth took her second shot and ordered them both another round knowing they would be getting fucked up tonight. "Before we drink more, do you need to be home early?"

 

 

"No, Rick's home with Judith. I texted Carl earlier."

 

 

"Good 'cause I don't wanna cause more problems." Beth slurred.

 

 

"You won't be. Enough about my sad ass marriage, what's happening between you and that one kid?"

 

 

  
"Pfft you mean Noah." Beth rolled her big blue eyes and took another shot. "That asshole is an idiot."

 

 

  
"What'd he do?" Negan was starting to feel angry thinking about someone hurting her, and if he cheated on her then he'd lose it.

 

 

  
"He dumped me, said we weren't a good match."

 

 

  
"What a goddamn idiot."

 

  
Beth slammed her fist on the table causing people to look at them. "I know right!"

 

  
"Look at us, a bunch of sorry fucks." Negan chuckled and then called asked the bar tender if they had a food menu. They ordered some wings to share and sat back into their booth.

 

 

After too many drunks to count they were cackling in the middle of the bar nand practically falling onto the dirty ass floor. Beth was holding onto Negan for support and he made sure not to fall over. This was the most fun he'd had lately.

 

 

"We should do this more often, ya know? Unless you're tired of me??" Beth said with a sad look.

 

 

"No fucking way am I tired of you. C'mon let's sit down at the booth."

 

 

They both flopped into the booth and took sips of water in attempt to sober up. Even though they both knew driving home wouldn't be an option which meant leaving their cars. Beth ranted wondering why every guy she gets involved with leaves her. And Negan assured that it was obviously them who had the problem.

 

 

"Fuck Noah, I'm a damn catch." Beth proclaimed.

 

 

"I'm hot my husband's an idiot."

 

 

Laughter erupted from them both again.

 

 

* * *

 

Finally Negan was back at home after he made certain he saw Beth get inside her house when the taxi dropped her off. He'd figure out their car situations in the morning. He felt a bit lighter after spending time with Beth, she always made him feel better. Everyone else in his life wouldn't bring the same energy. And truthfully all the people he considered his family too would always be on Ricks side of things. If only they actually knew why their marriage was shit.

 

 

He tried his best to be quiet once he made it through the door and shuffled to the bedroom he was sleeping in. Negan almost went inside but got curious when he saw Ricks bedroom door open. The younger man was sleeping with a book on his stomach.

 

 

Negan definitely hadn't sobered up all that much and ended up causing the door to creak. He cursed himself under his breath when Rick's opened up and he scrambled his bed. That was until they locked eyes and something felt different, like something about Rick wasn't the same.

 

 

Since thirty days wasn't up they still weren't able to talk but their eyes did the talking for them. Negan felt his eyes getting hazy so he sat down on the bed, He noticed that Rick was in nothing but electric blue boxers and a white t shirt.

 

 

Negans eyes kept staring at the pretty pink lips he wasn't supposed to kiss right now. And he found Ricks baby blues looking right back at him. In these types of moments you can choose not to act on impulse or just say 'fuck it.'

 

 

Of course Negan chose the latter and kissed Rick lightly. They both pulled away for a second trying to examine the situation but suddenly they were in a brief make out session. And Negan felt his fingers traveling down Ricks chest but a hand grabbed his wrist quickly.

 

 

Rick was shaking his head trying to say they couldn't go any further than that. Which had Negan stumbling out of the room frustrated about the stupid fucking rules.

 

* * *

 

 

  
"So you broke the rules then?" Gabriel said with a smart ass look on his face.

 

 

Negan shrugged, "No.. I mean we didn't have sex so I don't see how it was breaking the rules.

 

 

"Close enough though, if Rick hadn't stopped you would you have stopped yourself?"

 

 

"Fuck, fine.. probably fucking not." Negan groaned at how stupid it was that he even mentioned it.

 

 

"In order for this to work you have to follow the rules for the amount of time you've set. In this case it's thirty days." Gabriel stated sternly.

 

 

"Jesus, you don't mean that we have to start all over.. do you?"

 

 

"That's precisely what I mean."

 

 

"Oh. my. god. " Negan groaned into the pillow he was holding onto.

 

* * *

 

Being home alone for most the day was extremely boring sometimes, actually if Rick was asked to be entirely honest, it was mind numbing. The kids were gone for most of the day and Negan worked everyday unless he got a day off. It was finally day seventeen which meant they were inching closer to the end of this break. He had taken a lot of things into thought and at some points he almost wanted a longer break. But that wouldn't help matters at all. There had been a lot of hours of him thinking about his past relationship with Lori, how devastating it was that she cheated on him, how he repeated history.

 

 

Rick didn't want to be alone right now and ended up looking through old photo albums. From when he was married to Lori, to when things weren't so fucked up in general, then photos he took with Negan a couple years back. Since Glenn was a photographer they got the shoot done for free, something about it being ' a family discount' even though Rick insisted to pay him. They had chosen the beach for the location and the pictures were silly, from Negan making stupid faces or Rick getting tossed into the water, him dripping wet and his curls were all over his forehead.

 

 

Where had they actually gone wrong? It started off as little things they would fight about, like the decision of adopting kids or not, then Rick struggled with the proposal because he didn't want to move too fast. One thing led to another then he found himself becoming someone who cheats. And that wasn't who Rick had wanted to be in the first place or ever especially not after all the bullshit.

 

  
Self evaluation always revealed things about yourself that you didn't like. And Rick was figuring out a lot, from how much pressure he put on Negan, to the way he'd blamed him in the past, how he acted like the love was suffocating him. When in reality he was suffocating Negan with all this pain.

 

 

Rick became too exhausted with all the thoughts running rampant in his head so laid down on the couch and drifted off to sleep.

 

 

 

_Everyone was watching their every movement on the dance floor and Sade was playing loudly in the background. It was one of Negan's favorite songs apparently which eventually became 'their song' so it was fitting to play it for the first dance at their wedding. All of the people they loved were there and it was just complete happiness. The color scheme had been black and red which wasn't all that traditional but Rick didn't care about that._

 

 

_They swayed back and forth to the song, just focusing on each other for the moment._

 

 

_"Look I know a lot of this wasn't your vision for our wedding but I think it's been pretty damn beautiful." Negan murmured against his ear._

 

 

_"This wedding's perfect, you're perfect."_

 

 

_Negan chuckled softly, "Don't go all sappy on me now."_

 

 

_"You knew what you were gettin' into when you married me."_

 

 

_"Touche gorgeous, touche." Negan'_ _s hand tried sliding down to his ass. "Wait I probably shouldn't fucking do that.."_

 

 

_"Probably not, unless you want Carl to puke."_

 

 

_"Think he'll ever call me dad? He fucking hated me in the beginning and I know he doesn't hate me now but still.."_

 

 

_Rick didn't really have a good enough answer for that._

 

 

_"I don't know, he's slipped up a few times." Rick pointed it while leaning into Negan's shoulder._

 

 

_"True." Negan sighed. "I'm just fucking worried."_

 

 

_"Don't okay? And Negan.. I think we've danced too long now."_

 

 

_Negan stopped to find everyone eating, forgetting they were even dancing at all and he stepped back a little. "I think you're probably right Blue Eyes. And I love you."_

 

 

_"I love you too."_

 

 

There was slobber all over the pillow he'd been passed out on and Rick checked the time to find that Judith would be home soon. He didn't are about making dinner at all today so he was going to get someone to call for pizza.

 

* * *

 

"Rick, we've been sitting here for at least 10 minutes now and you haven't said anything.. what's on your -" Gabriel tried saying before Rick interrupted him.

 

 

"I don't know if I'm good for him." Rick said outright.

 

 

"Why do you say that?"

 

 

"I've had a lot of time to think bout who I've been for 6+ months now and somehow I turned into a person I can't recognize. I was laying down yesterday then fell asleep then I dreamt about our wedding. And when I woke up it was hard to shake the comparisons of then to now."

 

 

Saying this was probably one of the most painful things he'd ever done but Rick needed to be honest if he wanted any of this to take effect.

 

 

Gabriel looked neutral again like usual and leaned forward in his chair. "Are you wanting to end the marriage?"

 

 

"No, I don't want that now. Before I thought divorce was the only solution, that we couldn't be happy ever again."

 

 

"Do you want him to be happy?" Gabriel asked seriously.

 

 

"Yeah, I do."

 

 

"Whether it means with you or without you? In my experience some couples cant be selfless with each other, they may cling to someone so much that they hurt them. And sometimes loving someone means being without them."

 

 

"If at the end of this break he decides that he wants better for himself, I won't stop him. He deserves better than I've been." Rick felt himself tearing up but it was no use to hide it.

 

 

Gabriel passed him the tissues on his desk in which Rick used a lot during the rest of the session.

 

 

Lately Negan had avoided talking about their current predicament with Judith but today she wouldn't stop asking why they weren't speaking to each other. He tried bribing her with ice cream but even that shit didn't work. So there he was driving through a Wendy's drive thru and ordering them food, only for her to ask another time.

 

 

  
"Papa, why aren't you talking to daddy?" Judith asked.

 

 

  
Negan tapped on his steering wheel trying to figure out what exactly he should say. Telling her the truth wouldn't make the situation any worse or better, but it might scare her unnecessarily. "Well honey it's apart of our therapy, do you know what that is?"

 

  
One of the Wendy's employees passed the food through the drive thru window and Negan thanked them before driving off. It threw the conversation off a little bit which he was grateful for.

 

 

  
Judith shrugged in response, "Not really."

 

  
"Well daddy and I are in therapy to talk about our problems with someone. It's nothing you need to worry about sweetheart." Negan smiled through the window.

 

 

* * *

 

Nervousness was ebbing and flowing inside Rick because it was day thirty already and they had an appointment with Gabriel. Over the past three days Negan avoided looking at him. When they did look at each other it was brief then their eyes went somewhere else. And by now each of them had figured out what they wanted to happen, what they wanted for themselves and who they were now. Once you finally come to a conclusion about a relationship it makes things a lot more clear.

 

The moment they arrived at the office Negan took a breath as soon as they sat down on the couch. He was going to wait until he was given the go ahead to speak to Rick. After over thirty days of not talking he was just nervous to get the first words out.

 

 

  
"Fuck can we talk now?" Negan asked Gabriel who chuckled at her urgency.

 

 

  
"Yes you may speak now. This session you both need to take turns as normal but get out everything you need to in terms of your break. Don't hold back no matter what either of you has decided or not decided."

 

 

  
Rick swallowed hard and spoke finally, "When you suggested therapy I didn't know what would happen, I was almost convinced we would end. And call me shitty but I could barely see the light at the end of the tunnel. I love you so much but I realized you deserve a lot more, you deserve better than me. You deserve to wake up and not dread being around me 'cause I've caused you so much pain. You're brave, strong, beautiful and I know those are things you tell me normally but it's true for you. I want this to work, it will take a lot more than thirty days but I'll do whatever it takes."

 

  
Everything felt so surreal after releasing all of that and Rick just wanted to leap into Negan's lap. But he would refrain from doing that until they got home. He stroked Negan's hand lately to see if he'd grab it. And he did.

 

 

"Your turn Negan, tell Rick what you want, how the break made you feel." Gabriel urged him along.

 

 

Negan grabbed the hand that was stroking his. "This was my last ditch effort.. we weren't running around in fucking circles. And honestly Rick if we didn't do this I probably would have walked out. But this break gave me time to realize I don't wanna do that, I love you Blue Eyes. So lets make this fucking thing work."


	5. All In Love Is Fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title came from the song "All In Love Is Fair"-Stevie Wonder 
> 
>  

_"Pretty different for a first date huh?" Negan had a hard time keeping his eyes off Rick and it was because he was so damn gorgeous._

 

  
_"It's different alright but you better surprise me with somethin'." Rick said simply._

 

  
_"There's that sass, by the third date you'll be swooning."_

 

  
_Rick cocked an eyebrow, "Who says there will be a third date?"_

 

  
_"Oh believe me gorgeous you'll be begging for a second date after this. I'm quite charming as you had already realized."_

 

  
_"More like self involved." Rick pointed out jokingly. "But I'll bite and give you a chance."_

 

  
_When Negan had asked him out on a date he was hesitant to go out with someone so crass but he needed to give it a chance._

 

  
_And the date didn't go as badly as Rick thought it might, in fact he had actually been having a good time. Especially with the jokes and the way Negan smiled at him. He hadn't felt wanted like that in a long time since Lori's death. Any person he'd tried dating since her death wasn't compatible with him._

 

  
_Those hazel eyes were on him again which had him blushing. He thought they were some of the prettiest eyes he'd ever seen, the light was hitting the colors perfectly. Rick didn't have to wait until the second or third date because he was already swooning. It was naive to think this would last or go the long mile, but damnit if he wasn't going to try._

 

  
_"So Rick how's life as a stay at home parent?" Negan asked._

 

  
_"For the most part its good, it means more time with my kids and the other people in my life. This is probably too heavy for a first date." Rick wiped the bbq sauce off the side of his mouth._

 

  
_"No, go on."_

 

  
_"After my wife died in the hospital things got weird at home, my daughter is biologically my best friends 'cause my wife and him had an affair. I wasn't stupid enough to think it wasn't going on but we just started to drift apart once she told me. Then before she died she asked me to make sure Judith got to know him. And she has gotten the chance. Sorry that was too much." Rick felt completely embarrassed discussing all of that._

 

  
_"Sorry for what? Showing how fucking strong you are? I lost my wife too, but she died from pancreatic cancer a couple years back. We wanted kids, and she was all excited to try again.. even picked out a name. She wanted to name one of kids Dean and the other Sam."_

 

  
_Their date finished on a good note and Rick would definitely be seeing him again. Negan walked him to his car and tried to lean in to kiss him. But Rick stopped him from doing so which cause Negans eye brow to raise._

 

  
_Rick leaned like he was going to kiss him instead but whispered in his ear instead. "Can't wait for our next date."_

 

  
_He got in his car to drive away and Negan was left standing there completely intrigued and eager to kiss him on the next date._

* * *

 

 

Negan's eyes slowly opened to find Rick sleeping close to him, they hadn't cuddled like that in so long, he couldn't even recall the last time it happened. For a while there they had the chemistry of a car crash and it was just like waking up to a wreckage every morning. Rick stirred awake and his lips curved into a smile. They were being caught in a bit of a daze until Negan coughed to snap them out of it.

 

  
"How was your sleep darling?" He asked curiously.

 

  
"It was.. good for once."

 

  
Negan pulled him in closer and kissed the curls on his head, "Mm that's good baby. You know I have to go to work today but later we'll go out on a date. Gabriel told me in my individual session that we should get back in the swing of things."

 

  
"That sounds like a good idea." Rick hummed.

 

  
Ever since that day in Gabriel's office things had been less boxed in for the both of them, including Rick. Some days even before the affair Rick felt suffocated. And while now he realized it wasn't completely fair for him to feel that way it was the truth. He would feel as if he couldn't breathe in their marriage. Now they were trying to breathe together again in a metaphorical sense of course and it felt right. But neither of them were out of the damn woods yet so Rick still felt wary.

 

  
"Where do ya wanna go? Maybe we can hit a strip club and get fucking wasted." Negan started laughing when he saw the look on Rick's face. "You should see your face right now, I was kidding Blue Eyes. Unless you wanted to?"

 

  
"Remember the last time we did?"

 

  
Rick and Negan had gone to a strip club together a long time ago, it was definitely an experience but not the type of time they needed to help rekindle things.

 

  
"Yes I recall you puking a lot that night. I'm thinking we can go to that pub that you like.. the one that serves the really good fish n chips." Negan suggested.

 

  
"I'd like that a lot, do you have practice today?"

 

  
"Yes I do so by the time I get home we can head out. Remember that Carl will pick up Judy so you can rest today. Maybe call Michonne, apparently she's having problems with Andrea."

 

  
"I know, she's been texting me. But how'd you know?" Rick's eye brows scrunched.

 

  
"Beth told me, she heard it through the grapevine."

 

  
"Well I'll call her today sometime, she probably won't be able to come over. But I miss her and the kids do."

 

  
In Rick's opinion Michonne was like a second mother for the kids and they already had a big chosen family. Despite every ones pain they weren't alone in it. And that was comforting on the shittiest days. When Lori died in the hospital that was painful even if she cheated, but Rick was never really alone.

 

  
Negan smiled and brushed his lips against his husbands knuckles, "I gotta get ready for work darling, come on baby let's get outta bed."

 

 

Later on Rick did end up trying to call Michonne but she didn't answer the phone. And that had Rick wondering what the hell was going on. The last time he heard was that she was having problems with Andrea, something about the spark dying. Which immediately made him think about his own marriage. How was it that everyone around him was having issues with their marriage practically, the only people who were mostly happy were Glenn and Maggie. Which had always been the case even before they got married.

 

  
When you watched everyone around you crumbling its hard not to think that will happen to you (or in this case happen again.) You can't always fight the universe or fate or whatever the hell. But Rick was going to fight like hell to repair his marriage and life for that matter. He didn't know what direction he was headed in, he liked being a stay at home dad for the most part. But sometimes it seemed like he had no use other than that. Once Lori died he ended up retiring from the force and Shane was such a wreck alongside him. While partial blame can go to his best friend for the affair he still made the poor decisions to continue it. Rick wasn't gong to blame everyone else for his own disasters. At least not completely.

 

 

After cleaning for a decent amount of time Rick sat down and surfed Netflix and stumbled upon a show. Normally he wouldn't even bother watching shows like this one but he was intrigued. And Carl had mentioned it previously saying that Enid had liked it and still made him watch repeats. He put on season 1 of the show and got pulled into the story line immediately and he kept going. Soon he was finishing season 1 and rushing to watch season 2.

 

 

Negan got home and felt absolutely exhausted from the day and practice. But saw Rick sitting on the couch in the living room watching a show. It's when he saw what show he was watching he started to laugh loudly.

 

  
"Are you fucking watching Faking It?" He howled with laughter, gripping his stomach.

 

  
"Shut up!" Rick tried to say seriously.

 

  
"Alright alright, cool your jets gorgeous. I gotta take a shower, you can join me unless you're too busy with your show."

 

  
Rick shooed him away and suddenly felt confused, "Wait how'd you know what show I was watchin' ?"

 

  
"Fine whatever I fucking watched it before." Negan called out from the stairs.

 

 

  
He didn't take that long of a shower and ended up getting ready for them to go out. Only to find Rick downstairs still binge watching and he looked like he'd be in his pajamas all day. Carl detoured and ended up bringing Judith over to Shane's because everyone forgot he was supposed to see her today. And as much as Negan wanted to punch his lights out still, he refrained from having an issue.

 

  
"C'mon babe, you've been watching this all day probably. You need to get your pretty ass out of those clothes so we can go out."

 

  
"Ugh can't you just carry me?" Rick groaned. "I don't wanna get up."

 

  
"Nope."

 

  
Rick pushed himself to get off the couch and started slowly working his way towards their bathroom upstairs. Today he wasn't in the mood to take a long shower so he didn't. He scrubbed with a loofah, put on some cologne and wore a basic tee and jeans.

 

  
And after a lot of showering of compliments from Negan they headed out finally to the pub. The one that Rick always loved going to in the beginning of their relationship. It was a place they shared a lot of memories which proved to be the best place to start going on dates again. They rushed to the booth they usually took, ordered the same drinks, and both ordered fish n chips. Everything was relatively the same but just Negan had more grey in his beard and seemed to wear shirts that rode up, revealing his stomach.

 

  
"This place is still the same, I came back here a couple of times after I found out about the ..." Negan sipped his vodka tonic.

 

  
Rick stared at the table and responded without looking up at all. "You mean the affair?"

 

  
"Yeah, Rick.. I mean the affair."

 

  
"How come we have to talk bout this right now? We were having a good day, why ruin it?" Rick asked.

 

  
"If we can never discuss this again then we've made no progress. Ignoring this is the easiest fucking thing but addressing shit is hard. Which is why we never did that shit."

 

  
While he had a point Rick didn't want to constantly get into it or even discuss it in a setting like this. And he didn't want to pretend it didn't matter. But bringing it up at dinner when they're trying to work things out was fucking stupid.

 

  
"Can we please stop? Let's just eat and relax. I won't be drinkin tonight 'cause I'm driving us home." Rick gestured towards the vodka tonic. "Have as many as you want."

 

  
Negan had a couple drinks after that even as he was eating his meal. What was literally supposed to be a good time turned into tension filled silence. Though it wasn't certainly as bad as it would have been a year ago, it still sucked ass. All because of his big mouth.

 

  
"Do you either of you want dessert?" The blonde whose name tag said Jessie asked.

 

  
"Yeah that'd be great, I'll get that chocolate cake, the triple chocolate one." Negan slurred almost spilling his water in the process.

 

  
Rick said that he'd get the deep fried cheesecake and told Jessie thank you for taking their plates. He gulped back his own water trying to salvage any peace he had. Why couldn't they go one evening without bringing up their problems to each other?

 

  
He didn't want to pretend they were starting over if they weren't. Rick wasn't not taking responsibility of the deterioration of their marriage but he didn't want to pay forever. At some point Negan had to let it go because them moving forward wasn't possible until that happened. They could go on dates, be intimate again and say they loved each other on repeat. But none of that matters until both people get on the same page completely.

 

And they weren't, tonight at least. 

 

Without wasting another second he called the waitress over to get the check. Of course he couldn't avoid the look of shock on Negans face.

 

  
Jessie gladly brought it over with the ATM machine and Rick paid the bill. Then got up to leave the pub but felt a hand on his arm.

 

  
"We don't have to just go home, do we? The night is still fucking young baby." Negan purred.

 

  
"No I think we should go home, before you pass out on the floor."

 

  
Negan sighed with dramatic emphasis. "You're a fucking buzz kill."

 

  
"Pfft I began to differ." Rick snapped. "I was fine until you brought up Shane."

 

  
"Don't say his god damn name right now."

 

  
"Or what? I know I deserve to be told I fucked up but I'm tryin here. I love you and I'm still tryin but you don't make it easy, you actually make it very hard."

 

  
"How?!" Negan scoffed.

 

  
"By mentioning my affair at the place we went on our first date. This place used to hold so many good memories and now it's tainted." Rick pushed passed him.

 

  
Negan watched his husband walk into the parking lot without even glancing back. And he knew it would be stupid not to run after to him.

 

  
_Goddamn he walks fast._

 

  
And stupidly Negan tried to walk faster than his drunken state would let him and ended up stumbling and falling to the concrete. In the moment he was grateful he was wearing his jacket because it was cold as shit. The cold breeze was brushing against his fingers and it was hitting him how drunk he really was.

 

  
Rick glared back but saw that Negan wasn't even standing up now, he had fallen to the ground. Panic settled in and he rushed over to his husband. There was no blood or any serious injuries so that relieved Rick.

 

  
Surprisingly what he thought would be laughter coming from Negan was crying instead.

 

  
"Look at me I'm a fucking mess, I ruined our date and I feel like I'm making this worse." Negan sniffled.

 

  
"You're not."

 

  
"Don't fucking lie to me, I know you've done so in the past but lying to me now is pointless."

 

  
Rick looked him in the eyes, "Okay tonight was shit and we've both come to that conclusion."

 

  
"No baby you don't understand."

 

  
"Sure you brought somethin up that killed the mood and we should be able to talk about it.. just not right now."

 

 

"Fuck why can't we just be okay." Negan started crying again.

 

  
"Negan.. please just -"

 

  
He put his index finger against Ricks lip to silence him and tried to talk again. "After Lucille I wasn't sure I could love someone again. What we had was so intense, she loved me so tenderly and never gave up on me. And my heart was in pieces in that fucking hospital room. I wasn't stable when she was diagnosed, definitely not when she died. I drank myself silly, barely left my house. For the longest time I didn't want to be anyone's anything and then you came along. I knwo you've heard it all before but i fucking need you, Rick. I'd die without you.. please don't leave me."

 

  
Any strength that could make him stand up was depleted so Negan leaned into Rick's chest and clung to his clothing. He was sobbing against the brown shirt he had on. People were walking by them laughing, even whispering about what the fuck they were doing. But he couldn't give two flying fucks, all that mattered was them right now.

 

  
There were tear stains forming where Negan was crying  and Rick was running his hands through dark hair.

 

  
Rick bit back a sob but tears were coming out of his eyes like a waterfall. "I won't leave you, we'll be okay."

 

  
"Do you mean it?" Negan said innocently.

 

  
Lying about that wouldn't prove to be of any worth, he had never been afraid to tell Negan about how he felt in certain moments. And if he was able to tell him that he wanted a divorce at one point, then he could mean these words. His right hand stroked the older man's back as he whispered over and over that he did mean it.

 

  
They were still sitting in the middle of the parking lot and it started to rain on them. Rick had become accustomed to things crumbling whether it was because of him or otherwise. Before divorce would have been the only solution, the end to their story but now that wasn't what he needed. Here he was sitting in a pub parking lot being soaked to the bone but he didn't care. They needed this so badly, they needed each other.

 

  
And that would be enough to keep going.

 

 

"Let's get out of the rain baby." Rick whispered after planting a kiss on the nape of his neck.

 

 

  
"Probably should 'cause we're pretty fucking soaked at this point."

 

  
Negan looked at his husband with blood shot eyes and could feel they would be okay eventually.


	6. Closer [Epilogue]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK so i got an impulse to write this after i went back to read chapter 5, it seemed so incomplete how i ended it (despite how i wanted an open ending) but i like this ending better. 
> 
>  thanks for reading!

Three months ago Negan fell down drunk in a parking lot and cried into his husband's arm, Rick solidified that they would be okay. That they would fix their marriage. Negan hated being cynical but he wouldn't be surprised if they fell apart again. Most things weren't fucking certain in life anyways and relationships applied to that. You can hope and wish for things to turn out but that doesn't mean they will. And he certainly didn't buy any bullshit that said otherwise. They were both still attending their own individual sessions and couples counseling with Gabriel so that was helping. But last month they were starting to fight again but about petty bullshit. Negan threatened to leave and just give up because the frustration was too much.

 

  
The argument hadn't even been that fucking important, it was just something that reminded him how fragile it all was. Negan felt like he was holding onto them for dear life or suffocating the hell out of their marriage. Fixing a broken relationship didn't always require time spent together. In a lot of cases too much time spent made things a lot worse. According to Gabriel 'quiet time' was something that would really help them in terms of personal growth.

 

 

He wanted to get those days back where he wasn't worried about them, where it was just them against the odds. And it was super corny and almost like one of those cliche fairy tales, but their love really did save them both. The other night Negan was laying beside Rick and just feeling the warmth. Before they would just lay beside each other but it was ice fucking cold in a metaphorical sense. Whatever they had at the beginning of their relationship wasn't there anymore which is apart of why Rick did everything. A lot of the time people just expect shit to be the same always, for people to stay the same. Which is unrealistic and pretty damn stupid since you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Negan would never say it out loud but he deserved a lot better but yet he still wanted Rick. No matter what he still wanted to get lost in the ocean.

 

 

Negan had a day off so he decided to suggest that they go for a drive somewhere alone. He was grateful when Rick agreed to and arranged for Maggie to come pick up Judith. At first he had no clue where the fuck they would drive to but then last minute he decided they go watch the sunset together. When they first got together watching sunsets was something they did on occasion, it was soothing. And they hadn't done it a long time so Negan thought why not.

 

 

  
They got into one of their cars and started driving to one of the spots they would watch the sunset. It wasn't that long of a drive but it was long enough. Negan turned off the radio because he had a song on his iPod that he wanted to play and he didn't have a chord to make it go through the speakers.

 

 

  
"Why'd you turn the radio off?" Rick asked with a confused look.

 

 

  
Negan held his hand up, "Don't worry I'll put that station back on but I got a song that I think should be apart of our playlist."

 

 

  
"In that case put it on."

 

 

They exchanged smiles and Negan struggled to find the song because he had so many artists to shuffle through but he finally found it. He had been washing the dishes the other day and put his music on shuffle which is when he heard the song. The last time he listened to it wasn't recent but it sparked something in Negan. Which is the reason why he had to get Rick to listen to it.

 

 

Negan pressed play on the song but kept silent for the first half, letting the lyrics flow through the car as Rick was listening attentively. They didn't need to communicate what they were feeling because it was obvious. The song really connected to their situation, despite being with each other, there was still a longing for the other.

 

 

"Here's the one part that really made me think of you." Negan murmured.

_'I love you_

  
_Is all that you can't say_

 

_Years gone by and still_

  
_Words don't come easily_

  
_Like I love you I love you_

  
  
_But you can say baby_

  
_Baby can I hold you tonight?_

  
_Maybe if I told you the right words_

  
_Ooh, at the right time you'd be mine.'_

 

 

"Wow." Rick breathed out. "I ain't listened to that song in ages."

 

 

"The other day I just couldn't get it outta my head and it practically made me cry into the fucking dish water."

 

 

"Negan."

 

 

"I'm really fucking serious baby."

 

 

Rick grinned at how they could be silly and serious at the same time. "It's hard to say the words sometimes.. makes me feel stupid 'cause of how I've treated you. What I did to you was brutal and I actually don't deserve for you to stay."

 

 

"Say whatever you want right now, I'll listen to you."

 

 

" I know you don't like me mentioning him but Shane ain't the only one to blame for what kept happenin'.. some of it was on me. He's Judith's biological father and I've accepted that he'll always be apart of my life. But that doesn't mean I'll hurt you again."

 

 

This would always be a touchy subject for everyone involved and Negan wasn't oblivious to that shit. All he wanted was to not get burned again. Building complete trust would probably never happen because that wasn't realistic, paranoia after being hurt was normal. Though Negan made it abundantly clear that if Rick ever did that shit again that he'd file for divorce. It wouldn't be them going up to the cabin to fix things, he would fucking leave. And Rick heard those words loud and clear the day he said it again. At some point people had to draw a line with the person they loved. He wasn't sticking around for them to become self destructive and destroy each other some more. Negan couldn't take the idea and they still needed to raise Judith, what type of life would that be for her? None that she deserved or that Negan deserved.

 

 

Negan deeply sighed and kept his eyes on the road. "That will always be something that bothers me but I can't hold onto it forever. As much as you've hurt you don't deserve to be fucking berated. We both have our faults in this relationship."

 

 

"I'm tryin' to be the person you don't regret..."

 

 

"Honestly I don't think I could ever regret meeting you, being with you and marrying you. Not only have you made me feel like this all worth it, but I now have two beautiful kids and fucking huge second family. I lucked out."

 

 

"You can't tell me that you never regretted it when we were in that bad place." Rick shook his head. "That would be a lie if you said you didn't."

 

 

Negan tapped his fingers against the steering wheel. "You're right."

 

 

  
"Anyways when will we get to the spot? I don't remember it takin' this long to get there. Also we should take pictures for Judy."

 

 

  
"We're actually almost there, just a few more minutes of driving and yeah, we should."

 

 

Eventually they did get to their spot and just in time to actually watch the sunset and take pictures of it. Rick immediately grabbed his husband's hand and walked over to the bench. For some reason someone left a bench there years ago. Maybe they were an avid sunset watcher or just gave a damn about those who were. Whatever their reason was Rick was grateful they didn't have to sit uncomfortably. He looked at the sky while cuddling in Negans arms, rubbing his fingers against his leather jacket. All the colors were blending together, the bright pink was swirling in with the orange and it looked like paint. Rick got some pictures as did Negan and they knew Judith would love seeing it.

 

 

Just being together in a casual setting was so healing and it reminded them why they didn't quit. People would often say not to build a home out of someone but Ricks home was with Negan. He couldn't imagine himself feeling so alive again.

 

 

  
"Can I ask you somethin' ?" Rick said softly.

 

 

"Sure thing darling. What is it?"

 

 

"Do you believe we'll make it? Like do you believe we'll grow old together?"

 

 

"I can't give us a guarantee but I believe we'll grow old and fuck ourselves silly in an old folks home."

 

 

  
"That's totally a thing by the way."

 

 

  
Negan lifted one eye brow up and looked down at Rick who was nestled in his lap. "What is?"

 

 

  
"That old people fuck like crazy in old folks homes."

 

 

  
"How do you know?" Negan laughed. "You secretly Benjamin Button?"

 

 

  
"What the hell does that have to do with anythin'?"

 

 

  
"You never get my fucking jokes, you square."

 

 

  
Rick pinched at Negans thigh, "You're an ass!"

 

 

"Ow! That hurt damnit!"

 

 

  
"Words hurt, Negan."

 

 

  
Negan rolled his eyes at the melodrama, "You're overly dramatic and just for pinching me I might keep my magic dick away from you."

 

 

  
"That sounded so stupid." Rick laughed.

 

 

 

"You fucking love it."

 

 

* * *

 

  
The moment they got in the door Negan suggested they take a bath together because it'd been a week or so since they did. He made sure to give Maggie a call to tell her to drop off Judith but it turned that she wanted to have a sleep over with Hershel. So they had the house to themselves.

 

  
Negan put the plug in the drain and turned the water on to a temperature that was comfortable for them both. Sometimes he preferred extremely hot water while Rick was more for medium hot. He poured the bubble bath mixture in and the bubbles started rising in the water. Both of them slowly took their clothes off, watching the other get naked.

 

 

  
"Mm the water feels real nice." Rick purred as he waved his hand in the bath water.

 

 

  
"Not as nice as other things."

 

 

  
Rick slid his boxers down and got into the tub first, they had a decent sized tub so it wasn't uncomfortable for them both to sit together in it. The last time they bathed together the tub was filled way too high and it almost over flowed but this time was perfect for different reasons. Rick gestured for his husband to get in with him.

 

 

  
"If you insist." Negan said before slowly sliding into the tub with the younger man who had a huge grin on his face. He twisted so that his body was against Rick's front. And there were hands playing with his hair immediately, he reached for the loofah and held it out to Rick who took it from him. The scent of peppermint was covering them.

 

 

"We need to do things like this more often."

 

 

 

"What? Bath?" Negan joked.

 

 

 

"No dumb ass, intimacy that doesn't always involve sex. In my last session Gabriel told me that non sexual intimacy can be just as powerful, that even doin' things like this can bring us closer."

 

 

  
Negan scrunched his eye brows, "You think we're drifting apart again?"

 

 

"I think we sometimes use sex as a way to avoid talkin' about certain problems." Rick stated. "Even if it's with other people.."

 

 

Unfortunately Negan could tell what Rick was referencing and it didn't make him super uncomfortable. And for once angry wasn't building up inside his chest wanting to burst. It was quite the progress considering months ago they would have fought at any mention of Shane. But now they were able to have an actual discussion about it and now Negan realized. They were really making the type of progression they needed to.

 

 

  
Negan moved away from Rick so that he could face him. "We'll be okay, Rick."

 

 

  
"Do you actually believe that?"

 

 

  
"Yeah I really fucking do. You told me we'd be okay and now I'm starting to really believe it."

 

 

 Rick cupped his husband's face and stroked the stubble that was on his cheeks. He wasn't scared about Negan being home for him, not now, maybe not anymore.

 


End file.
